I spent most of 2018 listening to John Mayer’s “Heartbreak Warfare” on repeat and thinking about how much I missed everything I thought would last forever—summer vacations, fulfilling friendships, my stupid-quick metabolism. You know that saying, “All good things must come to an end.” Well, unfortunately when it comes to relationships, that rule can certainly apply. Cue heartbreak. Cue warfare. How each zodiac sign deals with breakups varies greatly among the twelve signs—some ways toward healing are healthier and more logical than others, while some methods are more destructive. But in the end, we all try.
You see, as much as we scheme, ponder and try to make things work, the truth is sometimes they just don’t. Cue long, sweaty naps and standing in long lines at CVS to buy a family-sized bag of sour cream and onion chips for yourself. We learn from a young age how to cope with stress, grief and Big Feelings. And then there’s the innate part of us—our zodiac sign, genetic goop and all that magic and science and whatever—that also claims influence over us. For better or for worse, we decide how to be in this world. We decide how to fix our banged-up hearts, shattered expectations and our desperate need to change the song when something comes on that reminds us of them.
Heartbreak turns us all into sad, needy little goblins. It’s a big world, and it may be intimidating to imagine navigating that big world without your partner. The time right after a breakup is always when we feel we need someone the most, only—surprise! The person we’re so used to going to is also the very same person who left and inflicted all this heartbreak. A Catch-22 of the worst proportions. Like how cute dogs look in costumes, but it sucks because they hate wearing them.
To those going through heartbreak right now, I salute you. It’s a small consolation now, but time will help you feel less like you are being dragged around by your entrails. Until then, be kind to yourself and the world as you learn to live again—but this time differently. And better.
Here’s How Each Sign Deals With Breakups:
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Aries – The Go-Getter
When dealing with heartbreak, Aries likes to listen to ’80s power ballads on repeat and eats a truly astonishing amount of Indian food. Aries doesn’t like to sulk, and they definitely don’t want an audience to see them at what they perceive to be “their worst.” The best thing to do for a heartbroken Aries is to be patient, open, and let them lead the way.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Taurus – The Googler
After a breakup of any kind, Taurus wants answers. Not even answers, actually. They want a whole exit interview, and also a chance to tell you that the necklace you gave them for Valentine’s Day definitely wasn’t sterling silver because they got a rash after wearing it in the shower, thank you VERY much. But looking for logical answers is just a strategy to avoid heartbreak and sadness. Feel it first, Taurus. Then let it go.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Gemini – The Self-Improvement Junkie
Gemini is always looking for opportunity, and even a breakup is the perfect chance for them to spread out in a million directions all at once to see what happens. They’ll take up Soul Cycle and therapy. They’ll even host a dinner party that doesn’t even fully revolve around drinking. Whether this will last is another story. But movement isn’t always the same as moving on. Gemini will grieve in their own, private way. They just want to look hot while doing it.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Cancer – The Beautiful Victorian Lady Who Loses All Agency and Passes Out on Her Couch Until the Servants Bring Them Smelling Salts
It should come as no surprise that Cancer is a deep feeler, and thus, breakups can hit them especially hard. Cancer can have a tendency to wallow, rom-com style with big tubs of ice cream and loud, showy sighs of despair. But it’s not all for show—Cancer really does a deep dive into their feels. If only we could all be so brave.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Leo – Full-Throttle Social Calendar
Leo is an extrovert, and once they experience singledom, they want to be OUT and ABOUT in the world. Seeking comfort and assurance from friends (and a packed social calendar) is a good method to cope with the general misery of facing a lifetime of being too sad to buy parmesan cheese at Target because it makes you miss your ex—but it can also lead to avoidance. Balance is key for Leos in heartbreak.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Virgo – Thriving Social Media Curator
After a breakup, Virgo goes hard on social media. Every selfie and photo they post makes their life look like a photoshoot, highlighting all the best parts of their life. Their detail-oriented nature makes sure that everything looks effortless, even if Virgo is emotionally melting. Just know that there’s more going on behind the scenes, even if it’s not visible.
Libra – Think: Scorched Earth, But Hotter
Libra is an amazing partner and friend—just, don’t piss them off. Libras deal with heartbreak the way they deal with most things: loudly. They admire those that take the high road, but it’s just not their vibe. If they held back anything during the relationships, the floodgates may open now.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Scorpio – New Relationship, New Me
Scorpio uses heartbreak as a chance to reinvent themselves, using this dark time as a chance to try on different identities until they find one that fits. Scorpios always commit to what they do, and a breakup is no exception. Scorpios are hard to forget, and even harder to get over.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Sagittarius – The Quick Mover
It’s not that Sagittarius goes straight for the rebound—they just want to move on, period. They’re the first sign most likely to buy plane tickets to an exotic place, or go on a trip. Sagittarius needs to cover ground in order to truly change their perspective and get over heartbreak—the farther away and longer the duration, the better.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Capricorn – The Obliterator
Ahh, Capricorn. For them, a breakup can be a sign of failure. Part of that is their need to succeed and their desire for stability and answers. But some of it is sadness, a tender part that Capricorn tends to hide behind their intelligence and charm. A Capricorn will get rid of everything that reminds them of their past relationships and act as responsibly and compassionately as possible.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Aquarius – The Homie Hopper
Don’t be surprised if Aquarius ends up with someone in your inner circle. They don’t do it on purpose, but their charisma and charm usually means they don’t stay single for very long. For Aquarius, the best way to get over someone is often to get under someone—if you know what I mean. Either that, or they binge on snacks and rewatch old Batman movies until their friends drag them out of their houses.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Pisces – The Suffering Artist
Pisces uses their heartbreak to make art, letting their creativity and grief work together to make something beautiful. They tend to be more introspective and protective of their space than other signs are, choosing to reflect and mull things over rather than moving into action, starting to date again, or distracting themselves with other people or projects.
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